My son is engaged. When he was originally talking to me about the holidays, he asked if his fiancé could spend Thanksgiving with us. He then said Christmas would be with her family.
I said that would be fine and we would love to have them. We are hosting my husband’s family for Thanksgiving, and I was excited that the fiancé could meet more of the extended family. I was also excited for the fiancé and my daughter to have more time to get to know each other.
Then, a few weeks later, he asked if we would mind if they went to a football game on Saturday. I don’t want to be the type of mom to make my children feel obligated to spend time with the family. I said they could absolutely go to the game it wouldn’t bother us. I secretly wondered if they could invite my daughter and her boyfriend to the game as well.
Before I could ask about that, I found out that the fiancé‘s mom bought tickets to the football game. I began to feel angry because Thanksgiving was supposed to be our holiday with them. She gets Christmas!
I haven't said anything to my son yet, but I’ve been crafting a conversation in my head about my desire to have him spend time with our family. I really want my future daughter-in-law and my daughter to have a good relationship, and that requires spending a little time together.
Well, as weeks went by, we discovered that my daughter is unable to come home for Thanksgiving. She started a new job and that is their busy time. No one is allowed time off. So, the two girls wouldn’t be able to spend time together anyway as my daughter wasn’t coming home.
Our daughter called our son last weekend just to catch up. They got discussing holidays, and our son found out that we were thinking about going to Texas for Christmas. He was completely surprised by that.
As it turns out, when he meant Christmas was with her family, it actually means they are celebrating on December 10. They are getting together with some extended family and that is the date that works for them. My son is not spending December 25 with her family.
My daughter also can’t get time off at Christmas, but she invited us to spend the holiday with her. It was our understanding that our son was spending time with his future in-laws at Christmas. We started making plans to travel over Christmas.
So, we asked our son if he could join us in our travels. He then asked if his fiancé could come. Of course we said yes, and now they both will be coming with us for Christmas.
If you have read this far, thank you. Here are the lessons that I have learned.
1. I was harboring so much anger at the other mom thinking that she was manipulating the kids into spending part of Thanksgiving with them. I thought she got them for Christmas day.
2. When my son said they were spending Christmas with her family, I assumed she meant Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. In retrospect, I can see that he may not have known all the details. I also realize he is not the best communicator about things like this.
3. It now turns out that we get the kids for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. The other mom is being so gracious about it and is telling her daughter she’s lucky to have two families she wants to spend time with.
4. I am super glad I never voiced any of my anger to my son. None of it played out as I had envisioned in my head, and I would have looked like a manipulating fool. Praise God for keeping my mouth shut!
I just wanted to share my story because I think all of us sometimes make assumptions about our kids and their situations. Most likely, there is no malicious intent.
In summation, I would offer two pieces of advice. Don’t get angry, and keep your mouth shut! Let things play out as they should. If you see a pattern of behavior, you can address that accordingly. But for one isolated event, keep your mouth shut.
Written by a past retreat yogi & an Empty Nester - Sheri W.
